Stories of personally meaningful ways that people have commemorated and grieved their loved ones or other losses.

I offer them here with the idea that hearing what others have done may inspire us and spark our own thoughts, reinforce our connections with each other, and be part of the process of mourning and healing.

If you would like to add your experience to these stories, they are welcome. Please send them through the Share Your Story form at the bottom of this website.

Things That Bereavement Therapists and Researchers Tell Us:

Almost everything is normal when grieving. (Get help if you are suicidal, homicidal or unable to function) - J Shep Jeffreys
Everyone grieves differently. Be kind to yourself and to others as you consider what to do.
Include the Kids, even if young. They KNOW something's happening. You can ask another adult who the child knows to stay focused on the child during any events so that you can stay more present with what's happening for you.
No New Shoulds - Don’t feel pressure to add anything else to any rituals that are meaningful to you. There’s already enough to do and feel, and you may find yourself with low energy.

Stories of Commemoration and Grieving

My Green Burial Story: Care at Home after Death

By Joan Pillsbury

My husband, Dennis and I had been interested in green burial since 2009 when I
heard a NPR program featuring Mark Harris. I immediately read Harris’s book
Grave Matters.

We valued the concept of reduce, reuse, recycle and had an energy efficient home
with alternative energy sources. Deciding to have our final arrangements include
being buried in a green cemetery was a no brainer.

When we told our children about our plans for a green burial they said, “Sure,
mom, do what you want.”

I also attended a workshop on home funerals (a home funeral is when a loved one
is cared for at home after death), taught by Peg Lorenz of Peaceful Passage at
Home. Peg said, “You are not ready to do this work until you purchase the
necessary supplies to prepare the body for burial.” So I did what she suggested (the
Techni-iceTM for cooling the body was the only item I didn’t have on hand) and I
was ready to share my knowledge and passion and help other families care for their
relative who died at home.

I joined the efforts of Green Burial MA to establish a green cemetery that anyone
in Massachusetts could use.

But Dennis could not wait for a green cemetery in Massachusetts.

Dennis was ill for a while but only in the last three months did he suffer significant
pain. He decided to request hospice care and within days he died.

This is when all of my research came in handy. I remembered the first things Peg
Lorenz said to do after a loved one dies at home: slow down, take a deep breath,

clear the space of medical supplies, and delegate jobs. Dennis was at peace, his
room was beautiful, and I was ready with my action plan.

I called my friend Carol Coan who with Judith Lorei had co-founded Green Burial
MA.

My next call was to Joyce Foley at Cedar Brook Burial Ground in Limington,
Maine. Going to Maine made perfect sense since Dennis had deep Maine roots.
Joyce was positive, helpful, and we made arrangements to have Dennis buried the
next day at Cedar Brook Burial Ground.

When I explained to my children what I wanted to do they said, Let’s make it
happen.” They arranged for the purchase of a coffin and a vehicle to transport Dennis to
Maine. They took the hospice nurse’s Pronouncement of Death document to our
physician and picked up the Death Certificate. Carol helped me complete the
demographic portion.

I notified our town clerk of my plan to care for Dennis at home and that I would be
the person responsible for the arrangements. I sent her references from Joshua
Slocum’s book, Final Rights, with regulations regarding caring for your own dead
in Massachusetts. She found this very helpful as she had never prepared a death
certificate for a family member managing arrangements after a death.

On a sunny February morning, a little caravan of family and friends travelled to
Cedar Brook Burial Ground and lovingly placed Dennis in the ground facing the
sun. We shared stories and said our goodbyes.

My children and I can’t imagine caring for Dennis any other way. It was beautiful,
simple, and satisfying to have our beloved husband and father at home with us and
then transport his remains to Maine as we grieved his death and celebrated our
family’s love together.

Joan Pillsbury Photo

-Joan Pillsbury

Resources:
Caring for a loved one at home after their death:
Peaceful Passage at Home (Peg Lorenz and others) – http://www.peacefulpassageathome.com/
Heather Massey – https://www.returningtoourroots.org/heather-massey
Home Funeral Association – https://www.homefuneralalliance.org/

Green Burial
Green Burial Council – https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/
Green Burial Massachusetts – https://greenburialma.org/

Ghost Bikes

A white bike honors the memory of someone who died while bike-riding, most often killed by a car or truck. Hopefully, these bikes also serve as a reminder to all of us to be very careful to share the road.

Stars in the Sky

A friend’s mother died, in commemoration, the family found a program where you pay money to officially name a bona fide star in the sky. They named one after their mom. I found a little, battery-operated star and sent it to them the next Christmas (a few months after her death). They told me they left it on, blinking, all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and that it was helpful to see it as they were missing her, plus helpful to have a sense that others were thinking of them.

Memorial Day Flags Story

37,000+ flags planted on the Boston Common in commemoration of each person from Massachusetts who’s died while serving in the U.S. Military since the Revolutionary War. This has happened as part of
Memorial Day for the last 15 years.

Woven Fiber Casket

A group of cousins spent summers together playing beside a river under a huge willow tree. When one of the cousins died, it was meaningful to them to find a casket woven out of willow leaves.

Tributes from Loved Clothing

I make tribute pieces from the clothing of loved ones. Several clients have had me make pieces for the wall, combining photos and small objects with scraps from clothing. Another client commissioned me to make a series of warm scarves from armfuls of knits his mother wore, everything from fine scarves to the last bathrobe they bought her. The work is always moving for me. Just going through the clothes brings up memories. The work transforms fabric into something new and makes love present.

-Linda Dunn

Community Responses

Among all of the thoughtful commemorations I’ve been hearing about in response to the tenth anniversary of September 11th (and I’ve certainly been struck by the many ways that individuals have privately grieved and integrated this tragedy into their lives), I wanted to highlight an ongoing community response. Evidently, groups of people gather together in many cities every September 11th to walk and talk together.

A quote from the organization that facilitates this “interaction, friendship and love are still the only antidote to misunderstanding, fear and hatred.”

Reef Balls

“A reef ball is a designed artificial reef module which mimics the structure and function of a natural reef.”… Hollow interior spaces provide habitat and shelter for marine species, and the addition of coral plugs allows for quick initiation of growth and rescue of corals damaged by storms, dredging, etc.”… The Reef Ball Foundation is a 501(c) 3 publicly supported non-profit and international environmental NGO whose mission is to help restore and conserve oceanic and aquatic habitats using Reef Ball technologies.”

Some companies offer the opportunity to incorporate cremated ashes into reef balls and let loved ones spend time decorating the reef ball with handprints and similar objects.

Mosaic Mirror

One example of mosaic scrapbooking is a mosaic memory mirror, which I made for my sister to honor our mother. By breaking up a few cherished teacups that were passed down from my grandmother to my mother and then to me, I was able to find a new way to incorporate memories and see them in my daily life. The teacups are one of my earliest childhood memories as I stared at each unique piece and reveled in their beauty. Though these cups were in my life for over 50 years, I never really used them, and although it took a lot of courage to cut them up, I was thankful to find new uses for them and to have a way to exhibit them in an object that I would look at and into every day. I included an old photo of the three of us when my sister and I were children, and a small golden bee to honor her name, Bea, and her penchant for antique bee pins. I especially liked the feeling of comfort seeing my own face in the mirror surrounded by bits of her life. Finished mosaics can include objects such as photographs, medals, news clippings, jewelry, broken pottery, and almost anything else one can conjure up. Symbolically, the process of picking up the pieces and putting them back together again is both healing and inspiring.

-Betsy Rodman, The Mosaic Oasis

Buttons

There are a number of buttons on Etsy that say various versions of “I’m grieving.” You can find places that will make buttons with whatever you want printed on them.